Leaders Should Stop Trying to Be Everyone’s Friend

In leadership, one of the toughest lessons to learn is this.

If you’re trying to be everyone’s friend, you’re likely falling short of being the leader your team needs. Everyone wants to be liked, especially when making tough calls and holding people accountable can create tension. However, if our goal is true leadership, aiming for universal likability will ultimately hold the team back.

The misconception that a “friendly” leader is a “better” leader is growing, especially with modern workplace values emphasizing empathy, open dialogue, and connection. While those are essential, they are not the same as being everyone’s friend. Real leadership requires a willingness to embrace the role’s supportive and directive aspects.

Balancing Empathy with Authority

Leaders should understand that their role is to balance empathy with the responsibility of guiding the team toward a shared goal. Empathy is a powerful tool. It allows us to understand our team members on a human level, to be in tune with their challenges, and to support them through setbacks.

But when empathy turns into appeasement and we avoid confrontation to keep the peace, that is also when leadership starts to falter.

For example, there’s a significant difference between listening openly to feedback and making every decision with the hope that it pleases everyone. Trying to keep everyone happy means neglecting what leaders are tasked with: setting a vision, making difficult choices, and holding the team accountable to shared standards.

When Friendly Leadership Breeds Power Struggles

As leaders, we often want to be approachable to create a space where people feel seen, heard, and supported. It’s a noble goal that stems from the best intentions. But if we’re not careful, this well-meaning approach can tip into dangerous territory. Trying too hard to be everyone’s friend can create a power struggle, something that no leaders want.

This happens when we prioritize likability over accountability. In our attempts to avoid difficult conversations or conflict, we leave a gap where leadership should be. The hard truth is that, in the absence of clear leadership, someone else will fill the void. Someone who feels more competent than the friendly leader who cannot make the hard decisions for the show to go on.

The result?

Competing agendas, fractured teamwork, and a lack of trust. These situations are not the foundation of a thriving team.

Why Does This Happen?

When leaders focus too heavily on being liked, it often comes at the expense of decisiveness. Instead of making tough calls, we hesitate. Instead of setting clear expectations, we soften the message. Over time, this creates a vacuum, a lack of clarity about who is truly in charge and where the team is heading.

Here’s how it usually plays out, according to my experience:

1. Competing Priorities: If we avoid asserting direction, team members will naturally start defining their own. Without alignment, what should be a collaborative effort can splinter into conflicting goals, with individuals pushing their ideas instead of rowing in the same direction.
2. Undermined Authority: Reluctance to step into authority doesn’t make a leader look kind. It makes them look uncertain. And when authority feels negotiable, it encourages others to take the reins. Someone more assertive might dominate discussions, processes, or decisions, creating confusion and friction within the team.
3. Frustration and Disengagement: People look to leaders for structure and guidance. When they don’t get it, it’s frustrating. They may feel their work isn’t valued or their efforts are wasted. The worst thing that may happen is that they lose trust in the leader’s ability to guide the team effectively, and every competent individual in the team starts to view themselves as the only one who can save the team from failure.

Leadership Isn’t About Popularity

The good news is that leadership doesn’t have to be a choice between being approachable and being decisive. You can be both, but it requires a deliberate shift at the right moment, like how you change gears when driving a manual car.

Friendly leadership works best when it is paired with a strong sense of accountability. This means creating an environment where your team feels supported and understands the boundaries. It means being clear about roles, goals, and expectations — even when those conversations are uncomfortable.

Here’s what I’ve learned in my own journey:

• Empathy and Clarity Go Hand in Hand: Being a trusted leader doesn’t mean the team needs to always agree with you. It means they know where they stand, why decisions are made, and how they fit into the bigger picture. Clarity fosters trust.
• Respect Is Earned Through Consistency: You don’t need to be everyone’s favorite person to gain their respect. Show up consistently, make decisions with integrity, and follow through on what you say you’ll do.
• Trust Thrives on Accountability: The best teams are built on trust, and trust grows when people know their efforts matter. Accountability isn’t punitive; it’s a way to ensure that everyone is pulling their weight in the same direction.

The Kindest Thing You Can Do as a Leader

Sometimes, the kindest thing a leader can do is step into their role fully. Being firm is not about being harsh or distant. When people know there’s a steady hand guiding the ship, they’re free to focus on what they do best without distractions.

Leadership isn’t about being liked. It’s about being trusted, respected, and relied upon. By balancing approachability with decisiveness, you can create a team dynamic that values collaboration without chaos.