I’m Playing Skyrim Again And It’s For A Very Dark Reason
With all the new games coming in 2022, why would I be playing such an old game?
I missed the days where I can spend the whole weekend walking in the world, away from reality and minding my own business, enjoying all the little things Skyrim has. Every day was an adventure. Random thugs trying to rob me, fighting off an assassin sent by the Brotherhood, watching animals and monsters fighting each other for no real reason.
These are the little things I love. I would switch off the BGM and listen for every rustling of the leaves, every howling of the northern winds, watch every cloud, star and aroura the skies have to offer. These are bucket list stuff, which Covid has taken away from everyone these few years.
I remember I had a family in this world. I had two adoptive daughters, and we lived in a house in the town of Whitemane. Every time I came back home from my adventures, they would run to the door. “It’s Papa!” they would exclaim. I would always remember to bring back gifts for them, girl dresses I got from some random wardrobe, or a doll from the treasure chest in the bandit camp I annihilated on my way home.
I couldn’t remember much of my quests, but I always remembered my two girls. I guess that’s what I’m really looking for in Skyrim, a game that I had uninstalled, and reinstalled several times. Maybe it’s my alter ego releasing his yearning to have his own children. Deep down, I knew all these were unreal. My adoptive daughters are just two program codes someone in Bethesda wrote, avatars of the human connections I desire.
The loss of my first child, that unfortunate miscarriage, broke me in ways I cannot imagine or understand. I’ve never fully addressed the issues that were growing in me. To cope, I started making big, risky decisions in my career choices, choosing to struggle by leaving stable careers, seeking the excitement of change and the gamble of losing everything I’ve built each time. I couldn’t even start to imagine the level of trauma my wife went through, physically and psychologically. I guess it’s going to be a topic we would avoid consciously and bring to our graves.
Things will never go back to what it was. But my daughters in Skyrim were always there waiting for me, and they will exist forever. They will live on longer than I ever will.
Recently, the dream of having all of us will live forever in the digital world seemed to be coming true. It’s like living in an episode of “Black Mirror”. Maybe the Metaverse is the start of everything humankind had always dreamed of — immortality.
The definition of immortality — the ability to live forever; eternal life, the quality of deserving to be remembered for a long time; timelessness. But, there’s no mention of how you would “live”. Famous individuals live on through the legacies they leave in this world after they die. Those closest to you continue living in your memories. The human body may pass on, but stories, memories, and written works last a long time, for example - books.
What if there was a computer, and as long as the machine runs, you would forever be etched into the program? Could we live in a digital space, and be coded into existence? I really wish it would happen in my lifetime. This way, I would program my imaginary family, see the child that I never had, and have the chance of watching him grow. I could then feel all the hugs that were taken away from me, all the pride and joy I would have experienced if he lived.
And I wouldn’t care how the world would look at me. Whether it’s escapism or not, I don’t care. Because the experience would be mine and mine alone, and that’s all it matters.
We arrived in this world alone. The experiences you had will stay as yours only. Eventually, you will experience death alone. That’s how it is and will always be.
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